Insert Sparkle here

I smile constantly.  I’m always laughing.  I enjoy life.  I was born a happy person.  If you asked anyone who knows me they would tell you I’m never in a bad mood.  I like to call that my sparkle.  Recently my sparkle seems to be a fissile.  I’m not sure where my love of life has been, but I need to find it again.

I’m finding the littlest things irritate me.  Things I would never let get under my skin.  I’m losing my patience and I don’t want to be that person.  But what is it?  What internally is bothering so much that it’s changing me from the inside?

I got my promotion at work and currently working on the next one.  Nothing has changed really except the size of my checks.  I signed the lease and paid my deposit for my apartment with Jason.  Even though there is a few hiccups there, that stress is gone.  I’ve been ignoring my online crochet business until I get moved and can get set up again.  Packing has been started….so what is it?

I know the answer is stress but I need to find the cause.  The stress is making the numbers on the scale all whonky.  Sure I can exercise a bit more, but I’m not deserving this scale beating I’m taking.

I’m just going to let myself breath.  If I continue the way I’m going I’m sure to give up like I have in the past.  That’s not an option this time.  I will be a better person.

Weight Loss journey, engage (I <3 Star Trek)

Amber

And another Adventure begins

Jason, William, and I are going to my families cabin in Mio, Michigan.  We always call it “going up north”.  I haven’t been there in years.  I’m secretly excited but a little scared too.  I’m a diva, I will admit it.  There is no running water in the cabin, so you can see my fright.  Really the only thing you can do is sleep there (and play Yahtzee).

As I’m packing, I’m thinking about how I’m going to eat healthy on this trip?  You really have no choice but to go out to eat every meal.  I haven’t been faced with this battle yet.  This is going to be a challenging weekend to say the least.  But at least I’m going to fit some canoeing in!

 

Sorry for the short post, but I’m running late to work.

Amber

Where to begin?

I’m an organized person.  My hobby I always joke is getting prepared for anything.  I can not be a free spirit that does things on a whim.  If I can’t plan it, map it, organize it, and control it I probably won’t do it.  When I was younger it was a different story.  But I’ve learned from my mistakes and got organized. 

With this new life journey I knew I had to do my homework.  I need to find a plan that will fit in my life and work for me.  My fad diet days are in my past.  It’s only after a thousand failed attempts that it sank in.  There’s no way I’m going to eat cabbage soup for 3 meals a day for the rest of my life.  Boxed frozen meals bore me.  A 48 hour juice diet has to end sometime.  Each attempt I have made in the past gave me great results at the beginning.  Motivation has never been a great friend of mine.  So the hard work I put in never lasted.  I need for it to be different this time.

I’m down 5 lbs already not dieting.  Yeap, I said it.  I haven’t counted my calories, check the carbs, weighed my food, or journal anything.  In 6 days time I’ve lost 5 lbs just by being conscious of everything I put in my mouth.  I can be proud of those pounds, but I also need to make a commitment to do this the right way.  What is the right way?

Yesterday I found myself googleing different diets and weight lose plans.  Researching anything and everything I could think of to “plan” my fat attack.  I have to be able to live with this change for the rest of my life.  So I have to have all the facts.  Here is what I came up with:

Fad diets: Cabbage Soup, Hollywood 48 Hour Juice Diet, The Baby Food Diet, ETC.  These diets or eating plans are not for me.  They are design for a quick weight lose of only a few pounds.  Honestly, these would be impossible to stick with long term. 

Weight Watchers: I can count my attempts at Weight Watchers on both my hands and my toes.  It really is a great and healthy program.  The supportive atmosphere is hard to beat.  I’ve never succeeded on this plan though.  Having someone else weigh you in with the embarrassment of your not so perfect week always led me to quit this program.  I don’t like having to explain myself when there was a plus on that scale. I did enough “Amber” beating and really didn’t need everyone else knowing my mistake. Every attempt I’ve made with this program was with a friend, who I realize now is a sabotager.  With all my past failures at this program, I don’t believe it’s the right fit for me either.

Low Carb:  I’m not a fan of meat.  After my doctor advise me to look into a low carb eating habit I picked up an Atkins”s book.  After reading it I didn’t think this diet would be that hard.  I get to have bacon.  I had great success at the beginning, but this was hard to stick to.  If you’re not a big meat eater, you’re not a big meat eater.  I will never succeed on this diet.

Getting frustrated with researching diets and weight lose plans I took a break and watched Gremlins.  I can’t just sit anywhere without my hands moving so I was sorting through the mail.  I came across a medical bill when it hit me.  I’m approaching this the wrong way.  I’ve damaged my body by the way I’ve eaten in the past, so I need to cure my body with the way I eat now and in the future.  I typed in PCOS and insulin resistance and read for hours on how to eat to feel better.  Atkin’s was on the right track, just not right for me.  To fix my insulin issues and hopefully someday have a mini me I need to pay attention to the carbs I’m consuming.  Real fruit, vegetables, and meat, not processed.  I can live with that.  Most of this eating plan is about planning, which is my specialty.  Sure I’m not going to lose 50 lbs in 2 weeks, but I’m ok with that.  My body needs healing as much as my brain does. 

Now if I could find a cure for motivation!

Amber

 

Still looking for my map

and the story continues….

After we moved in with my Grandparents, this is where my food issues took root.  We came to her 3 sick malnutrition kids.  She fed us to get us well.  She fed our bodies to heal us and our souls to make us feel better.  I soon learned to reward myself with the taste of the food I love.  Yes the food was working my body felt better and so did my heart.  It felt so good to feel important and loved by someone.  Anything we wanted she would make for us.  I will cherish this woman until the day that I die.  I feel like she saved our lives.

Back to moving to Tennessee.  My mother packed us all up and moved back in with her boyfriend who had to flee to Tennessee.  We moved into a tiny little house and lived a normal life for awhile.  I remember watching my mother making ice tea the old fashion way in the sun and the loud cricket noises as we climbed the fruit trees.  We hung out with our “cousins” a lot.  They were slightly older then I was.  What I’m about to say next I’ve never told anyone.  I’ve bared this guilt for way to many years.  We used to play hide and seek a lot in the yard.  One of my older “cousins” would always make me hide with him.  He would take me out behind the fruit trees and do things I didn’t know that I was doing.  He made me touch and he touched.  Now that it’s out there I guess I can’t take it back.  I don’t know how I feel about admitting to what I just did.  I hope it helps my heart heal.  But that’s really all I want to say about it.

The drugs came back at this point.  I remember my mother packing up my sister and I and going to the store for food.  As we were leaving the grocery store a guy walked up to the car.  My mother was in the driver’s seat and I was in the passengers seat.  My sister was in a car seat in the back.  He pulled out a gun and stuck it to my head and demanded my mother to give him the drugs.  I remember peeing myself.  The warmth of the pee running down my leg.  My mother floored it in reverse.  I was so embarrassed for wetting my pants since I was a big girl.  What a bad example I made for my sister.

My Grandparents came to the rescue again.  They picked up my siblings and I and we moved back to Michigan with them.  We never lived in that kind of unhealthy environment again as children.  I am indebted to both my Grandparent for the person I am today.  I’ve turned out pretty well for such a scary childhood.  I have a job, don’t do drugs, and live a pretty normal happy life.  I couldn’t imagine where I would be today if my life continued where it was heading.  I’m sure I would have ended up dead some where.

So my only coping mechanism as an adult has been food and alcohol.  I didn’t get in trouble in school.  I was obsessed with never missing a day.  I didn’t try any kind of alcohol until I was of legal age.  I was determined to be a good person.  But once I started drinking and eating in excess it was easy to forget about the stuff I really didn’t want to remember.  My 20′s were full of dumb decisions.  The most ignorant decision I made was getting married when I was 22.  At this point I was a chubby girl.  I married him after only knowing him for 3 months.  I didn’t want to be lonely and he claimed no one else would want me because of my weight.  So I went for it.

I was married to that piece of shit for seven years.  The mental abuse I suffered by him was amazing.  He was so embarrassed of me.  We would have to drive almost an hour away at midnight to go grocery shopping.  He never wanted anyone to see us together.  If anyone ever came over to our house he would lock me in the bedroom until he left.  I stuck around feeling that I was so gross no one else could ever want me.  Shouldn’t I appreciate that he was willing to live with me?

The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a Mother.  I just wanted the chance to take care of someone unlike how I was taken care of.  I’ve done such a great job putting on the weight at this point I weighed 400lbs.  I found out I had PCOS and couldn’t  get pregnant unless I lost weight.  Well the hubby wasn’t having it.  He shoved food at me like it were free.  I realized I couldn’t do this unhealthiness anymore when he hit me.  I could tolerate a lot of things, but I was not going to be an abuse woman.  Hahahaha if I only realized then what I know now.

The damage I’ve done to my body is just not fair.  My love of food and laziness led to cancer.  I’ve been battling uterine cancer on and off for the last 15 years.  Always doing everything I could to keep my baby pocket.  I’m just tired now and almost ready to give up this fight.  At 37 I don’t know if it would be fair to have a baby.

 

Fast forward until now.  I’m a happy girl.  I’ve falling in love with a wonderful man who will support and love me no matter what.  He is not ashamed of me.  I’ve never been treated like this before.  It’s way past time for me to give up my past and the issues they caused and move on to my exciting future.  So good by past.  It was nice knowing you.  I just need my life back.

Sorry for the sadness.  If you knew me you would know this isn’t my style.  I always have a smile on my face and am laughing.  Time to put my smile back on.

Thanks for reading,

Amber

 

 

How did I get here? I guess I didn’t read the map.

I introduced myself to the world of blogging yesterday so I probably should get to the point.  It’s time to tell my story.  I’ve shared bits and pieces of my store to people I’ve grown to trust, but I’ve never put it together anywhere.  It’s easier to ignore my past then to face it.  Admitting I have issues might be the best step to make right now.  I apologize in advance for this long blog.  Here goes nothing.

 

April 22, 1975 at 10:24 pm an adorable 7 lb 5 oz baby was born in Michigan.  Her single young mother named her Amber Marie.  At 23 inches she appeared to be a long fragile baby.  Her mother took her home to her older brother.  Two  and a half years later another bouncing baby girl joined the family.  Amber’s motherly instincts took over and she was determined that no one would ever hurt her baby sister.

Why would a three year old child need to have motherly instincts you ask?  Well here is where the story turns to the unpleasant.  My mother tried the best she could to support us.  She worked as a nurse’s aid.  But she was still a kid herself.  After renting her own place with her 3 kids, she quickly was sucked into the drug world.  Our safety became unimportant to the pull of the feeling of the drugs.  We were left alone a lot and fended for ourselves.  I have so many memories of this point in my life.  Memories no small child should ever have.  I will share three of them so you have a little insight into my past.

One day a random man walked into our rented house looking to steal something.  The doors of course were unlocked.  We’ve seen so many different adults come in go we weren’t aware he wasn’t supposed to be there.  As he was looking for the drugs to steal, he found us in a bedroom playing.  At first he was scared of us and took off down the hallway.  We quickly followed asking him to play with us.  He agreed to play if we showed him where our mother’s cigarettes were hidden.  Not knowing any better we showed him the snake statue where the smelly cigarettes were hidden.  As he was about to leave, he open the fridge and pull out the dozen eggs and asked if we were hungry.  I couldn’t tell you how long we had gone without food at this point, but we did need something to eat.  The robber scrambled the full dozen eggs and served them to us with ketchup.  I was so grateful.  Until this day I eat my scrambled eggs with ketchup.

Christmas time was fast approaching and my brother and I were looking forward to see what Santa would bring us.  We tried our best to decorate the house like how our Grandmother’s house looked like.  Our mother did put up a tree that year.  I remember it so clearly because of the colored lights blinking on the walls.  We would stay up late at night on the couch watching out the window for Santa.  We didn’t exactly know when he was coming, but we weren’t going to miss him for anything.  Christmas Eve arrived and we knew Santa was coming that night.  We camped out again on the couch with our blankets.  Santa was bringing something amazing this year because we were extra good.  My brother and I heard a noise outside and ran to the door.  We did stumble over my infant sister who was sleeping on the floor.  Throwing open the door there were a group of teenage standing in the entrance.  They were laughing and swearing.  Barging right in, they went directly to the tree.  They pulled the tree out in the street and started smashing all the ornaments and light bulbs.  One kid poured his beer over the tree and lite it on fire.  I remember being out in the yard crying because now Santa won’t know to stop here.  You will never find a Christmas tree in my house with color blinking lights.  I never want to think about this night again.

Telling my story is harder then I thought it would be.  I find myself pausing and asking myself if I really want to tell it.  Do I really want to bear my soul online for others to read?  Do I really want to relive these memories I’ve tried so hard to forget?  I’m texting with Jason right now who is encouraging me to do so.  I hope this makes me feel better.

The last story I want to share with you that happened in that dirty old house I can not tell without shedding a tear.  My mother got herself a steady boyfriend who moved in with us.  He would start drinking and become very violent.  Saturday night my brother was taking a bath when “he” came hope extremely drunk and I’m pretty sure now high.  My mother told him to leave so we didn’t have to see him that way.  That enraged him.  He swung at my mother, whom quickly bobbed and weaved, and dented the fridge.  She quickly shoved us in a room and locked the door.  She couldn’t find my brother to keep him safe.  “He beated on that door until he beat his way in.  “He” took another swing at my mother and put his fist through both sides of the wall.  We ran outside and my mom got me and my sister over to the neighbors before she went back for my brother.  Well “he” found my brother before my mother got back there.  He locked himself in the bathroom with my brother.  The neighbors called the police.  The only way my mother could see what was going on was through the that hole in the wall that “he” punched.  My brother was being held underwater by that jerk.  My mother screamed and tried her best to get in there.  The police showed up and quickly fixed the situation.  I am thankful to this day that someone was able to save my brother.  We aren’t as close as I would like, but I think we are afraid of our childhood memories.  I’m glad I know my adult life with him in it.

After that last story happened my wonderful grandparents intervened.  We moved in with them that very night.  My mother followed shortly after trying to clean up her life.  That house was burned to the ground and I’m glad.  My mother did straighten up now that she was in a stable environment.  A year later we were packing up our stuff and moving to Tennessee.  

I’m going to stop my story here for the night.    I’m struggling to find the strength to continue and need a break.  I will post a continuation soon.

 

Here’s to the journey of self improvement and letting the past hang out!

Love,

Amber

 

 

Well Hello World: It’s me Amber

Hello there!  My name is Amber and it’s really nice to meet you.  I’m beginning a chapter of my new life.  In 1 months time I will be moving in with my fiance.  I have a chance to start my life over and live it any way I want to.  I’m choosing to live healthy.

I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember.  Well at least I thought I was.  When I look back at the pictures of me in middle school and high school I do not see an over weight girl.  I see a healthy active girl.  But kids and even some adults can be cruel.  Hearing you’re fat, chubby, chunky, and big girl kinda sticks in your head.  You start to believe what people say.  So here I am standing before you the fat, chubby, chunky big girl I always thought I was.

I’m about to marry into a pretty active family.  I’ve never made being active a priority in my adult life.  After 2 years of dating, I’m now well aware of how many limitations I put on myself for remaining unhealthy.  There is so much more to life then work, TV, and the internet.  Jason and I have made trips an important part of our relationship.  Now I look back at our little adventures and realize just how much more we could have done if my weight didn’t hold us back.

I have 202 lbs to lose and a life to gain.  Join me on my journey as I learn to cook healthy, discover exercise, drop the pounds, and experience our trips and adventures as a much healthier person. It’s time to be a responsible adult.  This blog is to help me look fabulous in my wedding dress for my Vegas Wedding on 10-20-13.

Here’s to self improvement and not looking back,

Amber