The Tale of Two Pains

I am fat.  F-A-T.  I’m extremely aware of what I am.  I deal with my body’s restrictions daily.  Why do people feel the need to point it out that I have a weight problem?  That’s just hurtful.  I do not need your diet tips or the latest exercise plan.  And guess what, you can’t do this for me.  But what you are doing with your good intentions is hurting me emotionally.  Sure your hurtful words might motivate me for a night of extreme cardio for all the wrong reasons.  I will combat the advise you gave me with the “I’ll show them attitude”.  But it’s nothing that will last.

My body hurts.  I’m dragging around a lot of extra weight.  I feel like it’s a double edge sword.  Exercise will help me feel better, but it doesn’t while I’m doing it.  I’ve abused my body and now my body is abusing back.  Every step shots pain through my ankles all the way to my hips.  My feet are swollen and not comfortable to stand on.  But they say it will make me feel better.  When?

I’m left with a decision of which pain to endure.  Can I handle the emotional pain of other’s opinions and the disappointment in myself?  Or can I power through the physical pain to begin to get my strength back?  I think it’s an obvious choice.  Temporary physical pain is better then permanent emotional pain.  This is what has brought me back.

I’ve been obsessed with watching What I eat in a Day video’s on youtube for inspiration.  I’ve got to hold myself accountable for my eating discipline.  My mindset has changed to “I’m going to do that” instead of “I wish I could do that”.  I can’t be successful until I try.  After all the biggest failure is not trying.

Have a happy and healthy weekend!

Love,

Bona

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I’m BACK!

This is a start over….way over.

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Insert Sparkle here

I smile constantly.  I’m always laughing.  I enjoy life.  I was born a happy person.  If you asked anyone who knows me they would tell you I’m never in a bad mood.  I like to call that my sparkle.  Recently my sparkle seems to be a fissile.  I’m not sure where my love of life has been, but I need to find it again.

I’m finding the littlest things irritate me.  Things I would never let get under my skin.  I’m losing my patience and I don’t want to be that person.  But what is it?  What internally is bothering so much that it’s changing me from the inside?

I got my promotion at work and currently working on the next one.  Nothing has changed really except the size of my checks.  I signed the lease and paid my deposit for my apartment with Jason.  Even though there is a few hiccups there, that stress is gone.  I’ve been ignoring my online crochet business until I get moved and can get set up again.  Packing has been started….so what is it?

I know the answer is stress but I need to find the cause.  The stress is making the numbers on the scale all whonky.  Sure I can exercise a bit more, but I’m not deserving this scale beating I’m taking.

I’m just going to let myself breath.  If I continue the way I’m going I’m sure to give up like I have in the past.  That’s not an option this time.  I will be a better person.

Weight Loss journey, engage (I <3 Star Trek)

Amber

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Well Hello World: It’s me Amber

Hello there!  My name is Amber and it’s really nice to meet you.  I’m beginning a chapter of my new life.  In 1 months time I will be moving in with my fiance.  I have a chance to start my life over and live it any way I want to.  I’m choosing to live healthy.

I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember.  Well at least I thought I was.  When I look back at the pictures of me in middle school and high school I do not see an over weight girl.  I see a healthy active girl.  But kids and even some adults can be cruel.  Hearing you’re fat, chubby, chunky, and big girl kinda sticks in your head.  You start to believe what people say.  So here I am standing before you the fat, chubby, chunky big girl I always thought I was.

I’m about to marry into a pretty active family.  I’ve never made being active a priority in my adult life.  After 2 years of dating, I’m now well aware of how many limitations I put on myself for remaining unhealthy.  There is so much more to life then work, TV, and the internet.  Jason and I have made trips an important part of our relationship.  Now I look back at our little adventures and realize just how much more we could have done if my weight didn’t hold us back.

I have 202 lbs to lose and a life to gain.  Join me on my journey as I learn to cook healthy, discover exercise, drop the pounds, and experience our trips and adventures as a much healthier person. It’s time to be a responsible adult.  This blog is to help me look fabulous in my wedding dress for my Vegas Wedding on 10-20-13.

Here’s to self improvement and not looking back,

Amber

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